Fun With Cretins


Squidbillies was one of my favorite programs. Don’t ask me why ’cause I ain’t agonna go there. First came “Beavis & Butthead,” then “Squidbillies.” For good reason both came on only at 2 or 3 in the morning. Women hate them, of course; and guys, of course, love ’em. Below is a little narrative from these redneck Georgia cartoon cretins.

Sheriff (far right): You passed, boy!
Rusty (green thing with red mullet, front row): I did? I did! Hell, yeah! I’m a high school congraduate. 

Earlie Cuyler (Rusty’s dad, hat, liquor bottle, front row): Graduations, Rusty.
Rusty: Ain’t nuthin gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitree to progress cognatious thunk.


(Rusty and Krystal—large, shapeless slut, not pictured—are looking at a photo album) 

Krystal: Well, then there’s one of me. Here’s one of them what you call ’em Glamour Shots what have you. Whaddaya know, there’s me. No, that’s a bus.


Earlie Cuyler: What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age, huh?
Rusty: You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don’t care what I do. And it’s my body and I can kill it however I want to. And America’s about freedom.


Granny (old squid in walker): Don’t you dare hurt him! 

Earlie Cuyler: Oh, and what’s your saggy mouth gonna say about it? 

Granny: Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis! [the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning] 

Earlie Cuyler: You lucky bitch! That’s the one thing you could have said.